Email. Some home truths.

I understand and thank you for writing it out. It may be worthwhile writing things down like this as it's slower and more controlled than talking, we can think and prepare what to say.

I regret how I yelled at you, you don't deserve that. It was only afterwards when I reflected and thought about why I was so angry and then upset that it made sense. Like I said when I phoned you back, that this is like a build up over the last few years, and I've had that time to think, reflect and work out what bothers me and why. But I've only just told you about my feelings and it will take time for you to understand it all and for us to work together, so if things happen that bother me in the meantime, I should expect that because it will take time.

It sometimes feels like you don't see me as a separate human being from you; with my own life, my own time, my own schedule, my own likes and dislikes, my own wants and needs. I am your daughter but I am E.S. = fully-fledged human. I’m going to give a few examples of why I’ve said this.

A smaller but just as important example: bringing us wood. I told you multiple times that we don’t burn the wood and we don’t want any wood bringing up because it clutters up the house/shed. You still brought it up, each time with another excuse as to why usually that you didn’t want to say no to R who brought it round because he did it out of helpfulness. Why was it okay to ignore my want for his want? My request and feelings weren’t enough of a reason for you to respect. Granted this example last happened a while ago but it’s a prime example, and one of the things that feels like it has built up and why I feel like you don’t respect that I am my own being and my wants are just as important as yours, or R's or G’s etc.

Another example is Christmas. I had to really put my foot down with Christmas plans a few years back and since, that I don’t want to travel at Christmas, I find driving for hours and sleeping in a different house very stressful and it takes me a long time to relax afterwards. You tried to use B, R, G and J as reasons I should come down, that they would love to see us and it’s a time for family. You tried to guilt me and push me into coming. My wants meant nothing compared to everyone else’s. I stood my ground though and I’m still proud of myself. The kicker is, whilst they would like to see us, they understand completely why we don’t want to travel and haven’t ever pushed us to travel.

For some reason you expect me to do things and that is not right. Nobody else expects anything from me.

Another example is whenever I say I don’t want to do something that you want me to do whether that’s texting family on their birthday and replying to family’s texts/emails. Why don’t you respect that I am my own person and I don’t HAVE to do anything? You still ask me if I received H’s text, why is that? It says nothing about you if I don’t reply to texts/emails. It’s got nothing to do with you really, what I do or don’t do. Not that it matters to me but I haven’t had a reply in 3 years from S, and 2 years from D, does that mean you’re going to call them up or text them and tell them to reply to me? I don’t think you would do that, so why do you do it to me? And I don’t want you to because my communication with them and vice versa has nothing to do with you. That’s not an insult, that’s the truth. You don’t expect/push them to do anything, so you shouldn’t expect/push me to do anything.

Another example again is if I don’t want to go for a walk with you: I’m putting it down into words now. If I say no that I don’t want to go, and then you act hurt or sigh or annoyed, or go quiet and make the atmosphere uncomfortable, that is unfair and manipulative. You’re trying to make me feel bad for not wanting the same thing you do, or you’re trying to get what you want by showing me how bored or sad you are. That is not fair. I will go out with you when I want to, not because you don’t accept my wants. It’s very uncomfortable when I tell you ‘no’, because of the way you act after. You’re not used to hearing ‘no’ from me unless it’s followed by a justification on my part like I feel anxious, or ill. If I say those things, you accept it. If I don’t give a reason why and just say ‘that I don’t want to’, it’s not accepted. That’s not fair, you wouldn’t do that to anyone else.

I will point out when you act like that.

Last Wednesday I could hear that you didn't like that I hadn't phoned you back, but you didn't say outright that it bothered you or what you were feeling. It came across as passive-aggressive and like you were hinting at what you were meaning like when you said you'd tried me on Duo, I could hear you were worried if I had uninstalled it because I didn't want to video chat with you or whether I was lying. When you said you thought I was ghosting you, that was also a clear indicator of your worry but because you didn’t verbalise your feelings directly. All of that sounded like you were trying to hint it wasn’t okay for me not to phone you back, which used to make me feel guilty like I was a bad daughter for not doing what you wanted but now it just makes me angry. I wish you would say outright "I was worried you were ignoring me" instead of hinting. Hinting and passive aggression is a form of manipulation and I'm not going to respond to it anymore. You try to get your way through trying to hint and push me into a certain action - phoning you more for example. It's always a possibility that you may not get the answer you want to hear, that I didn't want to phone you or video call you. And that's okay! I sometimes don’t want to talk, especially if it’s just meaningless chat.

I've always felt like you would get 'hurt' if I didn't phone you, and the proof of that is when you sound 'low' when you haven't heard from me in just over a week or 2. So much of our phone calls were on your schedule when you wanted them regardless of if I didn't want to or when I was worried you would get hurt if I didn’t ring after a certain amount of time. But I told you things are going to change going forward and that means I'm not going to ignore my wants because you may get 'hurt'. Not chatting should not hurt you. If it does, then you need to evaluate why you're hurt or find someone who enjoys chatting as much as you do. If you get hurt so easily, then you need to look inwards and get stronger. We will catch up in person when you come home, it will be something to look forward to. But even then, I won’t be okay with gossip about people I don’t know or meaningless chat to fill the time.

I love you. The number of phone calls we have is NOT an indicator of how much I love you.

My talkativeness is NOT an indicator of how much I love you.

My saying ‘No’ to going out or doing something you want is NOT proof that I don’t love you or care for you.

This email, and our talks, are proof that I love you. That I care about our relationship.

This doesn't mean that important calls can't happen, if you need an urgent answer to a question that only I can answer, or if something happens and you NEED to talk or tell me. That's absolutely fine and more than okay. But I'm not okay with phone calls and chat for the sake of it. And if it can be done via text, even better.

I love you. X x x x