Family is a toxic word

Following on from my first post, I told my mum all of this in our conversation in the backyard. I cried as I remembered overhearing her and dad talking about me but never coming to me to discuss it. My family encourage lies and niceness to keep the 'peace'. I remember them getting angry at 14 year old me for talking to my grandma about my Dad's work, I told her something that she 'wasn't supposed to know'. That was a big thing, to keep things a secret from my grandma because she could be difficult and very closed-minded. She was over-critical and very hard to deal with and she would treat my aunt and my mum very unfairly. To get angry at a 14 year old though who was having a normal conversation with her grandma, because she didn't lie! White lies do not exist, whenever anyone finds out about a white lie, it doesn't feel good.

Telling the truth is difficult sometimes but it's always better than lying. My family used the excuse that lying to my grandma was 'for the best' and 'to stop her getting stressed out'. I don't believe that at all. If my grandma had hidden or controlled her 'stress' from the family, not taken it out on my aunt or my mum, then nobody would have even considered lying in the first place. They lied to have an easier life themselves when really it should have fallen to my grandma to change her behaviour if she wanted a continued healthy relationship with her family. My grandma was toxic at times and she should have learnt to deal with things in a better way than being horrible to loved ones. She went through awful things in her life, from the war which she never talked about and losing her husband and brother in close succession when she was in her 40's. I can't imagine dealing with all of that. None of it is an excuse for treating her family the way she did and she should have been held accountable. Trauma isn't a good reason to stop being kind to others.

Family can be a toxic word in itself and an excuse for behaviour that we wouldn't dare do to anyone else outside of the home. But 'family is always there', 'nobody loves you like family', 'you don't turn your back on family', family, family, family. People use the word to hide behind, they feel safe and think that their family has to put up with all of the bad behaviour, because family. 'Family love you', 'family are there no matter what', 'you can always count on your family', 'family is everything'. Then there's always the other way of phrasing it so you don't even need to include the word itself - blood is thicker than water. I hate that phrase because it doesn't include family who you choose, like your partner or an adopted child (as I am).

I think family should be determined by YOU, who you actually want to be around, and you should act towards them BETTER than you treat acquaintances or strangers. It shouldn't be deemed by blood or force of circumstance. To make the above phrases true, that's how it should be, right? Family should treat each other better than they treat anybody else in their life, if family is supposed to be that special. 'Special' doesn't mean you should be able to treat them horribly and then get away with it as if nothing happened. 'Special' shouldn't mean you put up with people who treat less than you deserve.

It seems like it's so common for there to always be that one difficult or pain in the ass family member, that you put up with because they're family. It's in movies, tv shows, soaps. Those awful family members who may be obnoxious, or slightly racist or homophobic, entitled or narcissistic. But they're family, just put up with it. What about, no? If a family member makes you feel miserable or uncomfortable, why should YOU have to put up with them? Because of a label? To be nice? To keep the peace? That in itself seems so wrong to me. Why does everyone else have to feel sad or hurt regularly because of the actions of one person, just because of a literal word to describe their role to you = family. That's an unhealthy way of thinking and I wonder how many individuals have had their lives made worse by such a situation. It should be up to you who you interact with, no matter who they are. You are worth more and should be around people who make you feel good. End of.