No room for empathy

I haven't spoken to my mum in 2 and a half weeks and it's the longest period of time we haven't spoken in a long time. She's texted me a few times, some I have actively not replied to because of their tone. Any texts in which she dictated when we would 'catch up', I didn't reply. I missed video calls & phone calls because I have nothing I want to share with her, and most likely she didn't have anything meaningful to tell me so I wanted to wait until I was ready to talk to her, on my terms, in my own time. In my few replies, I've not given much away about my life and only answered questions directly and without elaborating.

I decided today that I was ready to phone her but that I would decide the duration and if she had nothing to talk about, that I would end it there. We usually have hour - 90 minute long phone calls, where for the most part, we talk about the weather, or the news, or some other time killing topic. I don't like it. I don't like talking on the phone anyway, but if there is something that needs talking about, then a phone call is a necessary evil. Talking for the sake of talking is not something I want to indulge anymore because I always feel so submissive and out of control when I do.

I phoned her mobile but it went to voicemail after a few rings. I wondered if she was screening my call out of spite. I didn't try again, instead I decided that was it, I tried and that was good enough until next time I was ready. The guilt crept in though. That I haven't actually spoken to her yet and I should try again because it's been so long without talking to her, and I'm a bad daughter for not trying again. I pushed it away each time it crept in. Invasive thoughts are quite common with situations to do with my mum. I reminded myself that strength is something you have to work on and it's not easy.

I sat down and Mark was making us some lunch so I was going to enjoy it and then write a blog post about my guilty feelings, and hopefully it would put them into perspective seeing them typed out. The phone rang. I hesitated a bit, wondering if I should answer it. I wasn't sure if by answering it I was doing it to appease her. I answered it. Immediately she sounded awkward. She asked if it was me, as if it would be someone else when she rang our home phone number. She asked if I received her missed calls on Duo and she had her 'hurt' voice on. I told her that I uninstalled Duo a month ago. She asked if there was any reason in particular, hinting it was because of her. I considered saying it was because I didn't want to video call her anymore but I said that it was to clear a few apps off my phone. She huffed and remarked that she wondered if I was 'ghosting' her. I didn't say anything. We asked each other how the other was, I said I'm okay. When she answered, she said quietly just how 'low' she's been since our conversation, and she's not been her usual happy self. I didn't respond at all. I felt the anger rise in my chest and contemplated hanging up the phone but I stayed silent.

I opened up to her about my feelings and she's not been happy since I did. What is that about. I'm so angry. She's my mum! Me talking to her about how I feel is not something that should make her feel 'low' or unhappy. I'm fucking low and unhappy because I didn't get the reaction I hoped from her. I wanted her to listen to me, to understand me, to be curious about who I am, to contribute something helpful, to give advice, to hug me and mean it. Not to become defensive or 'hurt' because her adult daughter feels things that she doesn't control. I understand that she doesn't understand, she's not me, how can she understand what she doesn't feel. That shouldn't impact her love and want to understand, to ask questions, to talk to me and find out more. That's what I hoped my mum would be like. Unfortunately, I didn't get what I hoped for. I don't control my mum, her reactions or behaviour. I only have power over mine and I want to move on.

She's so wrapped up in her own feelings, there's no room for empathy for her daughter. I don't want to be like her. That's all I can control and work on. I won't be like her.