Shocked chimp

I have a headache. The type that feels like your eyes are going to explode with an small movement. I didn't get much sleep last night because I couldn't get the phone call out of my head. I am so angry and I'm sick of feeling this way.

My mum manipulates me when she can get me alone. It's become clearer how much she does so over the last few months because you can hear the change in her voice if another person is present and within earshot. When there are other ears potentially listening in, she'll be cheery, higher pitched, smiley, jokey and chatty. If she's alone with me, she'll be straight-faced or pained, lower in tone, she'll complain about things, and make remarks that she hopes will make me to feel sorry for her.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being taken in by it, I'm tired of listening to it and feeling guilty when I haven't done anything to feel that way and then a moment later watching how she changes her whole demeanor when someone appears close by, as if she hasn't just been acting upset and low. Is any of her behaviour real?

Take for example the phone call yesterday. The very first thing she said was that she's been so low and 'not her usual happy self' since our conversation. Our conversation she referred to was me trying to open up to her on a deeper level, I told her feelings I've uncovered and things that bother me about our relationship. I want to have a good, healthy relationship with her but for that to happen, we need to open up. The thing is, I've tried this conversation multiple times over the years. Nothing ever changes or gets better.

I'm really scared for the future. The truth is I don't want to see her or be around her. We're supposed to go to the spa soon to use up a voucher, I don't want to. I don't want to pretend everything is fine when it's not. She does that enough for both of us. I'm also scared of what my family will think of me. I don't know of any issues in our family other than R & G and their rocky relationship with E but even that is getting better I think? Everyone loves my mum, they think she's caring and generous. They don't know much about me, I'm quiet and don't really like talking with them often so they may think I am a horrible person.

I feel like I'm rewriting my reality at the moment. I'm crying as I type because I'm fighting the nagging voice in my head that's telling me that the way my mum is, is normal. That everyone's mum is difficult and most people just get on with it. That at least my mum didn't hit me. I'm fighting it because I don't fully believe it anymore, I used to stand up for my mum when Mark pointed out that she was manipulating me at points. I see it now though and can recognise it myself when it happens in all it's little forms, and I also see it in my past, when I was little. When I acted up as any kid does and she threatened to leave me and my dad. That is manipulative.

When I was talking to her when she was here and I was pointing out she was acting unfairly, we happened to be alone in the living room at the time. Mark started coming down the stairs and mum's reaction went from her nodding her head and looking like she was listening to me to her shushing me before Mark entered the room and may hear what I was saying. I told her that Mark knows exactly what I'm talking about as we've discussed it at length before as he's my partner so there's no point shushing me. Her reaction was shock. She really thinks that I am closer to her than my partner of nearly 12 years. That I don't tell him everything that I feel.

Mark went through similar to what I am now and he assures me I won't feel angry forever. I can't wait for that to happen. Hopefully I'll be stronger by that point.